I’ve finally done it. I’ve given away our last stroller. It was a double City Mini for those of you who, like me, spent way too much time researching and debating the pros and cons of each stroller before committing to one! Giving this last piece of baby gear away was hard. So much harder than I even thought it would be. I always wanted to be a mom. It’s my strongest memory of my childhood – playing dolls, dreaming and planning my future life as a mom. Of course, there were many other dreams I had for my life—I longed to travel abroad and find a career I was passionate about—but the central driving force in my DNA was to one day create my own family. I’m lucky, I realize that. I achieved that dream. Chris and I have two healthy and happy children. In so many ways, I am truly blessed. Yet, somehow, I’ve always longed for one more baby… Perhaps it’s because I come from a large family and always expected that one day, I would have a large family, too.
In any case, our lives are full. I’m 39 years old. I have a career that I love and a great, busy life with a husband, two kids, and a new puppy named Joy. We have a warm home and between our two daughters and their friends they frequently invite over, we have lots of energy bouncing off these walls! It is rarely quiet, that’s for sure. Yet, still, it was harder than I thought to make it official. To give away the last baby item left in our garage. The double stroller took up too much space, I know. We didn’t need it or even use it anymore except for the rare instance that our youngest would insist on pushing her dolls in the stroller around our block. I recently became friendly with a neighbor who has one child but who is thinking about adding to her family at some point down the road. I asked her if she needed or wanted a double stroller. She was grateful for it and it made me happy to know that I might see the stroller being used once again on walks in our neighborhood.
I wonder if all moms feel this way after giving away the last baby item? I can’t be the only one who struggled to say goodbye to that season in my life. Despite the real challenges of having a new baby in the house – the midnight, 2am, and 5am wake ups to nurse, all those diapers and the multitude of gear one tiny baby seems to require! – I still look longingly at pregnant women and I love hearing all the minute details from friends who’ve recently had a baby or who have a toddler in the house. I think I’ve finally just realized that I am the kind of mom who will always long for a baby. It’s okay to feel that loss while still remaining grateful for the two amazing daughters I’ve been fortunate to have. I try to remind myself that so many women are not able to have kids, or maybe haven’t met the right partner to start a family with. I’ve known friends and family who’ve struggled with infertility and still others who are going through foster-to-adopt or on a waitlist for a private adoption. None of this is easy. Parenting or rather the decision to want to parent, is a huge one. Then the raising of that cute little baby… that requires so much time, love, energy, patience, and hard work. I try to remember that reality of life with a newborn is not all sunshine and rainbows! That it’s really, really hard and oftentimes exhausting work.
It feels good to have a bit of closure now. To be able to say to myself that I’m a mom of two. There are no more babies on the way that to know deep in my heart that that’s really okay.